aa-a-gogo.com

Recently on a yahoo group one of the members asked me the following after reading my blog:

I read your blog & am curious about something. You say that AA “screwed” you & “ruined” your life. Does that mean you’re completely doomed to online panhandling for the rest of your life, or are you interested in moving beyond victim mode & living a productive life free from AA’s influence?

Ouch! ok I said I’d deal with all the tough questions in an honest and open fashion. I just wasnt expecting it to be that painfully close to covers pulled so soon;-)

Those are fair questions. Even a reasonable conclusion. I will explain where I am coming from on the donations or panhandling as you called it.

I am done with being fair. Completely fucking done with it.

I’ve never panhandled before. It is completely contrary to what a “good
guy” does. But as I said, Fuck fair. I live in the US, in California and its 2006. Money, lots of it, will solve all my problems. Not god, not 12 steps, not being a ‘good guy’, not being fair. Having Money is what works. And (just this month actually) I made the conscious decision to start ASKING for money. I never tried that before, so I am trying it now.

there’s the WHY of it. And now let me tell you the background that leads me to this decision.

That AA Big book asked me to act and think each and every day with “what would HE have me do? How can I help this person and that situation?” blah blah blah. I bought it hook line and sinker.

Now, if it was me and THE REST of my AA fellows buying it and all of us getting close to the same results, I’d likely not be so angry and not writing blogs online.

But what REALLY happened and WHY I am AS pissed as I am, is that unknown to me, the whole 16 years was filled with people who were SAYING they got their present (wonderful) life by doing the steps and trusting god, but in actual truth, they got their present wonderful life without doing the steps. In fact, MANY got their presently wonderful life DESPITE completely ignoring god and the steps. ****AND**** then lying (to me) at the meetings about their great life and how the steps got them there.

Not as big a deal as the trust of your local priest messing with your kid, but for me damn close to that kind of anger generated. I trusted them and I got fucked for it. It’s a whole other posting to tell you about what I accomplished in my life from elementary school to the day I went to rehab and then tell you what has happened since. But trust me; it is THE anti-story for AA. It’s all true, it all happened to a guy who DID the steps and prayed etc and it’s all fucked. It is every thing the devote of AA do not want to hear and definitely don’t want me to tell to others.

but I am and I will. And I am asking for money (I don’t deserve) the whole fucking time.

Ok so that was answering the EASY part.

Now about that “…are you interested in moving beyond victim mode & living a productive life …” . Hmmm she gets right to the heart of my shit don’t she? yeah in truth, I dont have a long term answer. Certainly I am lacking any plan what I find sound.

Victim mode huh? ouch ouch. OK so being a whiny bitch isnt what I had in mind. A productive life sounds good but has for a long time seemed so out of reach. If I come up with something good to use as a plan on either topic, I’ll be sure to write it here.

Harry A.